Tuesday, December 30, 2008

What would a transformed life look like?

Recently I was talking about a life transformation with a good friend who asked me a very helpful question: "What does a transformed life look like to you - what is your vision of an end goal?" I've been giving this a fair amount of thought lately. While I don't have a complete description yet, I think I can list some of the high level aspects of what such a transformation might end up producing. This is a highly personal list and I wouldn't expect it to be the same for any other person contemplating similar changes, but here's what I came up with.

Some aspects of a transformed life
  • Permanently put behind me all the anger and frustrations of the past
  • Inner changes in how I see the world, and how I see myself
  • Started on an exponential growth in both understanding and making contributions
  • Develop a much clearer understanding of what to do and what not to do with my life
  • Simplify other aspects of my life in order to become radically more effective
  • Change my habits and daily schedule to better promote these goals
  • Have my discretionary schedule and finances reflect my values and priorities
  • Have my decisions based on compassion, and never on anger, resentment, fear, greed, or pride.

More details to follow.

Virtual Retreat - an Update

On Dec 20th I wrote a post about starting a one month virtual retreat to work on transforming my life. I successfully made it through a trip to visit my extended family during the Christmas holidays and want to comment on how the retreat is going so far:

Getting up early and doing daily journaling about your thoughts and plans: I haven't always made my goal of starting at 5am, but this has been a really helpful practice so far.

Disciplined eating: I managed to stick with eating three healthy meals a day and avoiding all between meal snacks. It was a big change in my habits, but I felt committed and have succeeded so far. The result - I actually lost weight during the holidays :-) I also found that it gets easier after the first few days. I'm considering making this a long term habit now.

Avoid TV - I had planned to allow myself a few exceptions (PBS shows such as Bill Moyers, etc), but I'm finding that following this rule in a more strict sense without exception is working out fine. I've extended it to commercial radio and shopping malls too.

I've also decided to work on eliminating harmful negative emotions to the extent that this is possible, starting with the emotion of anger. I certainly can't claim success at eliminating anger after a week of trying, but I did notice something interesting happening. It became very easy to have the detached part of my mind recognize when anger started. I could then start an internal dialogue about what triggered this emotion, why it is likely to be harmful, and how to look at the situation in a more realistic and helpful way. This would lead to the anger dissipating reasonably quickly, leaving a more honest and unclouded view of the situation. This is more than just anger management, it's actually controlling and eliminating anger. My initial experience strongly suggests that it's habit worth spending some effort cultivating.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Maslow's hierarchy of needs

A common way to look at motivation is through the system of Maslow's hierarchy of needs. From the most basic to the most advanced, they are listed as follows:

1) Physiological - food, water, air, shelter....

2) Safety - sense of security for yourself and family and access to resources...

3) Love/Belonging - Family, friends, community...

4) Esteem - achievement, respect of others...

5) Self - Actualization - creativity, problem solving, contributing, realizing your maximum potential...

I've had fairly good success at satisfying the first four categories of needs. The interest in a life transformation, or doing a "midlife assessment and transition" comes mainly from the 5th need for greater self-actualization. It's comforting to know that this is recognized as a common need for many people. It helps explain many of the thoughts I was having difficulty articulating.

When reading about Maslow's hierarchy of needs, I came across the interesting claim that by the end of his life Maslow added a 6th need, though it actually sounded more like a level of development than a need. He referred to it as "self-transcendence", which is moving beyond a focus on yourself and your ego. Instead, your focus becomes centered on appreciating, understanding, and promoting the well being of the humanity and nature as a whole. This seems like an important part of the end goal of a life transformation.

Is the World having a midlife crisis?

After posting about the midlife issues I'm going through, I couldn't help but comment on an observation that is seems like The World's Having a Male Midlife Crisis. We've built up a tremendous amount of wealth and military power, and are now asking "Was this really worth it? Are we on the right track?" Now more than ever, the world is questioning the behavior that got us to this present state and contemplating the need for a change.

The analogy isn't perfect though. You can also argue that the world more closely resembles an irresponsible self centered teenager coming face-to-face with the consequences of his actions. The teen is being forced into the transition to adulthood where they need to face the consequences of their past actions and start taking responsibility for their future. And big part of the transition to adulthood for each individual nation is to view itself as becoming a responsible and contributing member to the larger (international) community.

Or perhaps elements of both transitions are taking place simultaneously. Nobody ever claimed that simple analogies were always perfect.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

A midlife crisis, or something else?

It occur ed to me that a desire for a life transformation was similar to having a midlife crisis. I did some reading on this and learned that the most common times for this to happen is around the age of 50 now. Since I'm 51 it seemed that I was on to something here and I wanted to learn more.

I turns out that the classical stereotype middle age crisis (picture a man becoming depressed and anxious about growing older, divorcing his wife, buying a red corvette, and marrying a woman half his age) is actually very rare. The best data suggests that between 5% - 12% of middle aged people suffer a "classic" midlife crisis. Most people, on the contrary, find life very satisfying and content around the age of 50.

I found that there are multiple different types of midlife crises. For example, it's possible to assess one's life and future without becoming clinically depressed. In fact it's quite common and appears to be a healthy thing to do. This is more accurately categorized as a "midlife assessment" possibly leading to to a "midlife transition". This is covered in more detail on Life Two, an excellent blog about midlife improvements. This is a more accurate description of what I'm going through than a midlife crisis.

How you deal with the desire for change makes all the difference. You can take a harmful approach in a vain attempt to show some sort of youthful vigor. This often results in pursuing change for the sake of change and make radical changes without thinking them through. Such impulsive behavior can seriously damage or destroy relationships or a career.

On the other hand, a midlife assessment can come about when you have a feeling of disquiet brought upon by a sense that you are living your life in a way that is out of alignment with what deeply matters to you, or that you are failing to live up to your potential. When handled properly, this can result in some very positive changes in how you live the rest of your life.

One of the tricks about this process is to be realistic. To the extent that you've come to terms with your life and your limitations and accept yourself as you are, you can enjoy the accomplishments and successes that you have achieve. Many of the people who find themselves very unhappy turn out to be out of touch with reality with unrealistic goals and fantasies. They're disappointed at not becoming the president of their company or a world famous best selling author. In a study on midlife crises, Orville Brim advises people to "live a life of just manageable difficulty. Goals set too low often lead to a boring life; those set too high can produce bitter disappointment."

Some positive constructive magazines

In a spurt of optimism this morning, I subscribed to ODE and GOOD magazines. That will commit me to some positive constructive reading in the coming year. I could find most of the articles online, but I figure this helps support the magazines financially. And besides, I can give copies to others when I'm done. By the way, I'm already subscribed to YES! and Tikkun magazines, two efforts which I highly support.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

A Virtual Retreat

I've been giving more thought to what would be the end goal of a life transforming change. I have some initial thoughts on this that I'll post later. One of the things I have decided upon is to spend the next month conducting a "virtual retreat" to take some time to focus on this question. I started a few days ago and will continue to Jan 20th. Besides being one month from today, that just also happens to be the end of the transition period for our nation and the beginning of a new era as we change leaders.

During this next month, I will:

  • Read as much as possible about life transformation and finding a purpose in life.
  • Spend the first and last hour of each day journaling, reading, or thinking about life transformation
  • Put off watching almost all TV or attending non-work events of questionable value.
  • Get up at 5am to start early when the house is quiet and my family is asleep
  • As a discipline practice: Eat only 3 simple healthy meals a day. No snacking before or after meals.

I started a few days ago and I already like the routine. I haven't made 5am every day, but I've always been up before 6am. Taking an hour or more of undisturbed time in the morning to read and write down your thoughts is wonderful. I've already finished reading two books on the topic, which is amazing progress for me.

Christmas vacation with the relatives will be a challenge for both the TV and eating discipline practices, but I want to try to stick as close to the guidelines as possible. Following a guideline to avoid ALL between meal snacking over the holidays could have some very practical benefits. I'm not sure if my relatives will be impressed, or just consider my behavior to be very odd.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Why pursue a life transformation?

Elisa asked some really great questions in her comment to my last post about what is the end result of a life transformation, what is the goal, and what does it get you? Indeed, I could ask why pursue a life transformation at all? I have a quite comfortable and productive life by most standards. Why not just continue living the contented life I have now? I’ve been giving these questions some thought, and let me try to address that last question first.

I agree with the many people who claim that true fulfillment comes from finding something that you are passionate about and that you can devote your time and energy towards. We all have a built in desire to be engaged in such a task, and to be part of something bigger than yourself. Some would call this a desire for finding meaning in life, and some would call this a spiritual longing. We also all have a built in desire to grow as a person, and to me this period represents a tremendous growth opportunity if I can successfully exploit it. Living an undisturbed contented life is just not fulfilling in the same way.

So I’m not really content just sitting back and doing what I’m doing now without any more growth until I die. Even when I think I’m doing well at making a contribution to the world, I know that I am doing only a small portion of what I’m capable of. I also know that according to the latest estimates, as an average American I’m consuming about 5x my fair share of the world’s resources. That could be justified if I was using this consumption to make some sort of exceptional contribution, but I’m not.

I’m not even sure I could continue living an undisturbed contented life much longer if I wanted to. I believe that the world is on the verge of undergoing a set of tremendous transformations in the coming decades, either for good or for bad. This will affect all of us more than we care to admit. The current economic turmoil is but one early example of what will be happening. The effects of peak oil and climate change are rapidly approaching. There is much work to be done to direct these transformations to a positive direction, and I feel a great desire to be part of that effort.

Besides, there’s a sense of adventure in contemplating big changes :-)

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Transforming Your Life - Part 2

Here is a summary of some thoughts on what a life transforming process is like, and how a significant life revolution is different from a more gradual life evolution. Most of this description is base on ideas in the ebook Life Transformations by Michelle L Casto. Once again, the key to a life transformation starts with your inner attitude, not necessarily your outward behavior.

The first thing you need to learn about change, is that in order to change your outer reality, you must transform you inner programming. By changing your thoughts, you change your feelings, and thus change your actions. Your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs about how life works or doesn't work determine what you will create in your outer world.

Evolution is the process of gradual growth and development. Revolution is taking an incredible direction, often abrupt and sharply different form the past. To experience a life revolution, you need to see with new eyes, to experiment, to learn, and to flow with life. To experience a life revolution, you have to first bring to completion old patterns and processes and then create something radically new.

Get a life makeover. If you want to renovate your life, begin with how you feel on the inside. Have a deep conversation with yourself. strive to know yourself better through self-discovery activities, such as regular journaling. Become a student of your own life - questioning and reflecting on what who you are and what you do.

"We cannot become what we want by remaining what we are" - George Bernard Shaw

Sunday, December 7, 2008

The Wal-Mart Stampede, and Reconsidering the Liberal vs. Conservative Debate

I was recently reading a commentary by Ken Conner on TownHall.com, a web site that offers a collection of conservative opinions. ( Two of the personal commitments I'm working on since the election are: 1- read a wider variety of thoughtful opinions from different viewpoints, and 2- stop participating in the bitter partisan divides and demonization of those who think differently.) This particular commentary by Ken Conner dealt with the recent death of a young man, Jdimytai Damour, who was killed in a stampede of shoppers at a Wal-Mart. Ken's "conservative" commentary included some of the following statements:
"This tragedy points to the selfishness of the human heart and demonstrates that greed is not confined to the scions of Wall Street. Quite the contrary, these Main Street shoppers pursued their own materialistic impulses at the expense of the needs of those around them. They were focused on themselves, intent on getting to the deals first. Their trampling of Mr. Damour, each other, and the employees who were trying to help him, exhibits hearts that care more about saving $50 on an HDTV than about the health and safety of their fellow man....

How did we get to this point in "the home of the brave"? Why do so many Americans exhibit so little concern for their neighbor? Doubtless, there are many causes, but prominent among them is our willingness to sacrifice core principles of human dignity on the altar of convenience...

The trampling of Jdimytai Damour should be a wake-up call to each one of us. It should cause us to pause and consider whether we place too high a value on our own convenience and our own possessions. We should examine our hearts and ask ourselves whether we any longer have the capacity to sacrifice our own desires for the good of another. We are missing the big picture if events like these capture our attentions just long enough for us all to gasp and say, "How awful!", then turn back to our shopping carts and our self-centered lives."

Wow, this was appearing on a conservative web site, but my first thought was that such commentary would just as easily fit in at any liberal web site. This appears to be an area where many conservative and liberals people can find some real common ground. (The article later goes on to criticize abortion, but let's focus on the above thoughts for now.)

When I was reading the above comments, I must confess that my first thought was that Ken Conner was going to admit that liberals were right about some things after all. Community spirit and caring for your neighbors was more important than the blind pursuit of individual self interest that is so often associated with conservatism. How could anyone possibly interpret what he was saying differently?

The comments section for the article contained an amusing spectrum of views. One common thread really grabbed my attention though, because it was the exact opposite of what I was thinking. For many people, the motivations and actions of the shoppers at the Wal-Mart were a perfect example of why conservatism was morally superior to liberalism. To them, liberalism represented a culture where "The right to pursue unrestrained pleasure is all that matters" and "responsibilities and duties are onerous and inconvenient concepts". This results in a decline of moral responsibility that the "sense of entitlement at the foundation of the welfare state certainly exacerbates".

Oh my, each side has such a dramatically different view of what the other side stands for, yet each side equally deplores what happened. It's clear that trying to characterize this incident as a liberal vs conservative thing just doesn't cut it. If anything, the resulting argument over ideology destroys any insight, agreements and common ground that may exist. Both the "liberal view" and the "conservative view" each contain a complex collection of differing attitudes that cannot be done justice too by the simple categories we tend to use. We need to move beyond these characterizations if we're going to move beyond the bitter partisanship of the past.

A good friend once told me that if you're going to break the world into two groups, don't do it along the conventional political spectrum. It's more useful to divide the world into people who care and people who don't. While that's not entirely correct since we all exist along a continuous spectrum of caring and our positions change with time and circumstances, perhaps it is a more useful way to look at things sometimes. Perhaps it can lead us to some common ground and common work on ways forward despite other differences.

By the way, did you know that Jdimytai Damour was trampled to death at that Wal-Mart while he was trying to shield a pregnant woman against the onslaught? In all the hand-wringing over that incident, we tend to forget that there was some real heroism involved. We need to emphasize that more as the real story of that day.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Transforming Your Life - Part 1

I spent some time browsing on the web recently on the topic of "transforming you life". I even purchased and read my first eBook Life Transformations by Michelle L Casto. It was a nice short 56 page one evening read that introduced several good ideas in need to think about more.

Two important thoughts came through from several sources, perhaps best summarized by an article titled The Science Of Transformation In Everyday Life. Major life transformations are generally not characterized by big changes in outward circumstances and behavior. They are better characterized by two important inner changes.

  1. Deep changes in perspective - Major changes in the way you look at the world, altering one's core assumptions about the nature of things and the way the world works. This "shifts the entire landscape and one's trajectory through it."
  2. A Changing Sense of Self - Changes in your sense of self, who you are, and your relationship to others and the world. These changes are sometimes referred to as a "spiritual experiences involving a diminished sense of personal identity and an enhanced sense of connection to others, an experience that became an enduring part of the transformational process."


More insights from the Life Transformations next time.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Local Discussions - What do we do now?

I had been planning a regular series of posts on how to use the recent election as a transforming event in my life. I posted some thoughts, and then I got stuck for a while and had to spend some time sorting things out. During that time we had a series of discussion with local progressive groups on the question - “What do we do now?” (i.e. now that the election is over). Let me summarize some of those discussions that could impact us on a personal level.



  • People have hope now. There's a lot of optimism. We want to put our energy into something. But many of us are not sure what to focus on now.
  • We need to take time to absorb all that happened and consider what our individual approach should be.
  • There was a strong desire to approach our work with a win-win attitude involving people from across the political spectrum. People are extremely tired of polarizing politics and demonizing those who think differently. If we really want to change the system, we need to change that.
  • Realize that for some people, the election didn’t bring hope - it brought anger and fear. There are good people, often friends and relatives, who did not support Obama and expect the worse now. Understand their emotions, don’t argue with them, but shed a positive light on the future and invite them to participate in a positive way.
  • What happened was a change in direction for the country, and plausibly for the world. Changes in direction result in very big changes in the long term, but barely noticeable changes in the very short term. Don't get discouraged if nothing major changes in the next 3-6 months - big changes often take time.
  • Think local. This time between the election and the inauguration is a good time to build and strengthen local community groups and organizations. Do what you can to help in your local community. With the downturn in the economy there’s more of a need for help in local communities than ever.


To me, one of the biggest changes we have to focus on is to move from a stance of “opposition of bad policies” to a focus on “promoting good policies”. On a personal level, that means making an effort to be as helpful as possible to your community in the coming months.